Posted by Raul on August 16, 2010
When I was about 16 years old I was living in a different city than my parents and used to go visit them on weekends.
One Saturday morning, when arriving at my parent’s house, I found my father ready to go hunting with a shotgun, he invited me to go with him and I accepted because, at the side of spending some time together, I was curious about the firearm.
After walking for a couple of minutes my father asked me if I wanted to give a try to the gun and I accepted; how tempting to hold the gun, aim at something and pull the trigger to see and feel it in action!
With the gun in my hands I looked around to find a target and saw a small bird standing in a high, wooden pole, so I aimed to the little bird and pulled the trigger.
The small bird didn’t fly with the sound of the firearm, didn’t even start to flap its wings, it simply fell off to the ground without any movement, lifeless, dead.
While falling, even before it hit the ground, I was already feeling remorse for killing it. It was doing nothing, just standing there, being, alive, but because I didn’t think ahead of the consequences, I just aimed and shot, the little creature ceased to exist.
I felt really bad!
I remember giving the gun back to my father and telling him that I would never hold a firearm in my hands again. We walked back to his house in complete silence and had never talked about that situation.
I don’t know what my father’s feelings were at that moment and I don’t know if he knew what my feeling were, but I believe it wasn’t important then and is not today; nothing changed between us.
I don’t know if he remembers that moment but I do, and decide to write about it here in my blog.
More than 30 years have gone by and I kept my word, I’ve never held another gun in my hands and I still don’t like them.
Because of that moment I had the opportunity to think about people and guns and come to the conclusion that, not only guns are for destruction, but also how fragile life can be and how important is to protect it.
I was a 16 years old kid, curious about how a firearm would feel when fired and by making a stupid mistake I learned to respect life, anticipate consequences and stay away from guns.
Raul
Posted by Raul on December 30, 2009
Please don’t cry! It is so strange to see you crying without the chance to give you a hug and hold you for a while, not being able to wipe your tears and tell you something silly to make you laugh.
And I’m seating here looking at you, wanting to touch you, hold your hand and go for a walk at the park just the same as we always used to do. Walk without aim while looking around the trees and birds and talking about anything that might come to mind at the moment; have a good laugh after a silly joke came out of nowhere.
I remember all the years together; the hopes, the fights, the plans and the simple things that made out our time as a couple. So many times becoming hell and wanting to leave but never did because at the end it is about doing this long trip that is life together, no matter what we encounter, no matter what we have to endure from life, we were always there for each other, even if it was with a hard face.
But then there were also the good times; the projects, the plans, the accomplishments, so many little things that made a big difference in something that wasn’t really important, except for us, like when we completed a small garden in the back yard, or painted the house together. We talked, we proposed, we argued, we agreed, we did and we laughed, then hugging each other we contemplated the end result that most of the time wasn’t what we planned but left us satisfied with the accomplishment of another little improvement of our surroundings.
And then there were the kids; those little monsters that made us worried when they were sick, made us laugh with their ingenious tricks to get something and their jokes while seating at the dining table; every accomplishment they had that made us proud. All the pictures accumulated for years with every event in life; and then they grew up to be themselves and walk their own path, leaving us satisfied yet somehow feeling alone.
So then again it was you and me, learning all from the beginning, learning to be just the two of us, reaching our memories for what we used to do. Playing with leaves by fall and making a snow man in winter, laughing like children in the bodies of old people, looking silly, maybe stupid, I don’t know.
That young, skinny girl I met so long ago that turned into an old woman with gray hair that I must say I still feel attractive in bed, even if you don’t like to see yourself naked in the mirror anymore. I guess is the years together, the many things we lived, enjoyed and endure; the path we walked with just a vague main plan, sometimes just surviving the moment and keep going forward with the hopes of a better tomorrow.
And now here we are, face to face yet so distant, both of us crying wanting to hug yet remaining apart; I’m seating here in front of you, talking to you while you can’t hear me and thinking you are alone. How can I let you know that I am with you? How can I tell you that I’ll be here for you, always? I wish I can go home with you!
She remained standing there for another moment, wanting to stay forever but knowing that she has to leave. Her older son holding her without saying a word mostly because didn’t really know what to say, so just remained there for her. Then the time came and they started to walk away from the empty place back to home…leaving behind her husband’s grave.
Posted by Raul on December 7, 2009
They are out there, they circle around the skies in their mighty flying machines, but they hide from us. They are watching us!
They have been changing us from the beginning with their own seed, watching the outcome of their experiments throughout the centuries and doing adjustments accordingly, checking us from time to time, taking some of us for a short time to see where exactly we are.
There are many paintings from the past about “Them”, many drawings on caves. They have been around since the beginning. So many pictures taken, so many films recorded; most of that can be fake, people trying to get famous or make some money, but it takes just one to be true to prove they exist.
How much is the government hiding? Do they know?
They are out there taking care of us, watching us as big brothers, waiting for us to grow enough to stop wars, to stop selfishness, to become old enough to understand finally that we are children of the cosmos, so become brothers together as we suppose to be.
Then “They” will come down and invite us to join them in the Big Reunion. Then we’ll finally get to meet them and be part of the whole, the universe.
In the meantime we have to keep growing since we are not ready yet. We are children as a race. Earth is a kindergarten and the human race behaves as its children. We need to learn the basics and stop fighting each other or feeling envy for what others have.
Several thousand years more we will be ready, grown enough, mature enough. In some several thousand years more we’ll stop wars as a way of fixing our problems and leave aside our conquering desires.
Only then they will see us as mature enough, as a developed race to the point of being worth to contact, only then they will consider inviting us to join them to be at their side, but for as long as we keep this behavior of violence, self interest and wars for personal gain they will remain aside. They will keep hiding.
If they came down now people would call the military instead of the representatives, governments would try to get their technology for weaponry knowledge and power instead of creating solutions to sicknesses and problems of hunger, to get them as allies for other’s control instead of
planetary health and balance.
They will keep hiding until we are grown enough.
We still see each other as complete strangers when clothing, language or religion is different, even if we are the same race, and when the body is different we become terrified!
We are not ready, we keep doing movies of monster aliens coming to conquer us and eat us! And we always solve those proposed situations with violence.
They will keep hiding, we are not ready yet, but some day we will, and we’ll be part of the universe, without differences between us or them, we will be one with the universe, as we suppose to be!
Posted by Raul on November 25, 2009
Why it has to be that way? Why it always starts like if everything clicks to later find so many differences?
Some casual talking with brief locking eyes, little by little getting to know more about each other, feeling the heart beat faster every time a coincidence in preferences arise. Then creating excuses to meet more often, finding ways to be together: a coffee break, lunch, then maybe a movie and dinner in a quiet restaurant.
We found so many coincidences, so many things in common, we thought we found the right person and played our cards, we wanted to be together. After some encounters of great sex and laughing we thought we were made for each other. We made plans together.
But after just a couple of months sharing our lives we started to see the differences. At first little things like the kind of coffee, the way to keep stuff organized, the time of the day to tend the bed. Later bigger things like spending priorities, long term projects. To finally discover all the hidden things never told before; what was expected in bed and never received, what didn’t enjoy but accepted just to comply, so many little and big things that make us look at each other like complete strangers after a fight, after getting all the details, thoughts and feelings hidden that went out in a moment of a heated argument.
Then the decision, the departure, the tears and loneliness; back to the beginning, back to a solitary life, back to be afraid of another relationship, afraid of getting hurt again!
Memories, feelings, loneliness; is it just a cycle that repeat itself over an over again? How many times before finally finding the right one? How many times before knowing that the person at our side is the one we will grow old with? Is it just a matter of time? But how many times?
Back to a gray, flat routine kind of life. No more bright days, no more happy rain, no more laughter for stupid things, no more feeling the heart beating hard!
The end once again!
Posted by Raul on November 5, 2009
They were waiting for me…I know.
The night was too silent, too quiet!
I could feel some sort of shiver in my back while driving.
At some point decided to turn on all the lights in my van; just a precaution!
Or maybe it was fear, I don’t know.
The empty street seemed to extend forever, the houses were obscured and silent, no one around.
My heart was beating at a faster pace every second!
But I just kept driving, afraid and excited with anticipation, poisoned with fear and curiosity.
The engine was running smooth and powerful, the stereo was playing a soft melody, and all the needles in the instrument panel were stable, like holding position afraid to move!
Then it happened!
The engine died! The lights went off and the stereo fell silent; the van coasted to a halt.
My heart was racing! I could feel my skin itching. Eyes wide open and some drops of cold sweat running off my forehead.
I don’t know how long I remained seated in the vehicle before I was able to get enough courage to open the door and venture outside.
I can’t remember all the details, just some images, like an old black and white movie.
It seemed that time was standing still.
No sounds, no movements.
I started to walk with no direction, no destination, like under hypnosis.
I could feel my body, myself, my thoughts.
There was something there, someone!
Walked for a mile or two, I don’t know.
Walked like a robot, a machine.
Walked without looking back.
Walked without showing my fears, my doubts, my curiosity.
Walked to an open space.
Walked to a halt!
Dark, silent, motionless night.
Then light! Warmth, excitement!
Light from above!
No sound, no noise, no nothing!
Just light.
Silently it moved to my right, then drop to the ground.
Darkness again!
Something was there, I could feel it!
Like a hum, a very smooth vibration in the air.
A sweet, almost imperceptible sound that went across my body and relaxed me,
an unknown feeling that comforted my mind and fears.
Then light again!
A vertical, rectangular door of light to my right was growing from nowhere!
No…there was something! I could barely distinguish a silhouette of some sort around the light; a shape.
Like an oblong figure.
Like two dishes facing each other, one standing on the ground, the other on top, the rectangular light in the middle.
I was shaking, yet comforted, afraid yet reassured, worried, yet excited!
Then I saw it!
A shape in the light!
A body; someone, some sort of being coming out of the light.
Or maybe it was just a person walking thru a door, I don’t know.
A defined shape, a body, looking at me while walking to me!
He stopped walking when reaching about forty feet from me.
Just there, just standing, just looking at me!
A dark silhouette surrounded by intense light.
Fear, excitement, cold sweat in me.
How long? One minute? Twenty minutes? One second? I don’t know.
Images raced thru my head!
Feelings crossed my body!
Heat and cold.
Darkness and light.
Fear and happiness.
Excitement and boredom.
He turned around and walked back to the light.
I could see the shape going away.
I could feel my body being drained.
I couldn’t move.
No thoughts, no feelings.
Just standing there!
Everything went dark.
Every feeling was shut off.
Like someone’s life terminated!
I don’t remember what happened next.
I was seating in my van.
The engine was running smoothly.
The stereo was playing a soft melody.
The needles were stable.
I was looking forward, motionless.
I checked the gear lever. It was in Park.
Changed to Drive and started driving.
Finished my delivery shift.
Went home.
Went to bed.
I couldn’t sleep.
I don’t know what happened.
I don’t know if it was real or just my imagination.
I can’t remember more details.
This morning the phone ringed.
It was a salesman offering something.
He waked me up.
I was tired, needed more sleep.
I was mad!
The mirror in the bedroom exploded!
Did I do that?!
What’s happening to me now?!!
