Posted by Nacho on December 16, 2010
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Today I have the pleasure to have a guest poster at Alien Ghost! Nacho Jordi, from Zerebria, has a very interesting topic for all of us to enjoy and think about.
If you haven’t visited Nacho’s blog, please take the time to stop by and dig in his archives. His posts are always intelligent, funny, and with lots of very useful information, so you can have an eye opening experience, and mind blowing time.
Now, without further ado, I leave the stage for Nacho.
Fascination as a Container
I saw them the other day while I was having a short walk. They were sat on a bench, and he was talking about i-phone models, I think. As for her, she dazzled me: her eyes, her body language, something in the seriousness of her silence… all of her as a whole was the living image of receptivity. She was fascinated, receiving all of that as one who receives the rain.
I am a very enthusiastically kind of person, and I remember having received that kind of attention in several of my former girlfriends, now and then, generally in situations when I was rambling about books or music. And I hope that memory does not play tricks on me, but I think that, even while those moments were taking place, in spite of the ‘natural high’ that love always induces on you, I clearly perceived that the fascination I was granted with had very little to do with the particular contents I was producing. Instead of books, I could have been an obsessive stamp collector or a vegetarian die-hard fan for the case. What my girls liked, just like what that girl seemed to like in her i-phonic friend, was the spark of illusion, the beauty of fascination, the fact that something in this world of us can cause such a state in a human being.
So there was a clear distinction between the object that created fascination, and the fascination itself. The first element, in all the cases I’ve seen, seemed to have a secondary role. I have a theory for that.
I just cannot know, of course, but I’ve always had a feeling that men are more oriented to the ‘what’ of things, while women’s great specialty is the ‘how’. The easiest example at hand is their typical entertainments in popular culture for each of them:
Men – Sports
-”They won by (what?) 8 points yesterday’s match”
-”Among (what?) the five first teams in the league”
-”His average speed is (what?) 20% faster than its competitors”
(Additionally, the ‘how’ is very feeble: Question: how does the coach feels about winning the match? Answer: OBVIOUSLY, he feels very happy, because they have worked a lot and it puts them in a good situation to face the finals, etc. Which is a very primitive, secondary, and previsible, set of feelings).
Women – Gossip press
-”He later declared that he was (how?) very sorry for his remarks”
-”10 of the (how?) best/worst dressed celebrities”
(Additionally, the ‘what’ is usually quite insignificant (to the desperation of men!): the ‘celebrities’ who elaborate their disappointment, who tell everything about their wedding or the birth of their child, etc, are very often, if you think it, a not-so-famous singer, an actress who has not done something worthwhile in three decades or so, the former fiancée of a former tennis player, who something of the kind).
Of course, I don’t claim to be an expert on the issue of genders. As my theory is mostly a hunch, I’m sure you can allege a ton of counter-examples if you want to. To make things even harder, biologically, gender is not binary; we cannot simply create the ‘how’ and ‘what’ tribes because, hormonally, we all human beings have a male and a female part; there are no pure categories in nature, but a continuum. As soon as you abandon Sesame Street-like simplifications, the issue of gender can take you very far… far beyond, indeed, than what is intended in the dimensions of a blog post! But precisely because it is an issue with such a richness and complexity, I think it is necessary that we abandon clichés about it as soon as possible and start to explore and discuss it with more naturality. So this is my humble contribution to the matter, with my acknowledgement to Raul for allowing me to publish in his terrific blog.
What do you think?
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Nacho Jordi is a polymath mostly (but not exclusively) focused on writing, music, psychology, spirituality beyond cliché and personal productivity. He works as a translator in Madrid (Spain). He is the author of the Zerebria blog, where he offers tips and hints for personal development and conscious living, besides all kind of contemporary musings.
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Posted by Raul on October 28, 2010
Dark clouds will come to stay and it’ll rain everyday
A chilly breeze will take home and remain
Birds will lower their voices and no singing will be heard again
And all the material toys will become stone and collect dust as their only purpose
And home will become a box
And sunshine just a memory
And laughter will migrate to an unknown place
And the sense of reality will fade
And every road will loose its end
A dark, silent creature standing in the middle of nowhere
Surrounded by an unseen, vibrant, alive world
Haunted by memories and feelings
But only tears will flourish
And a long forgotten smile will stay away
From one reality to another
Like an instant travel between two different worlds
So lost, so confused!
After you die…
Posted by Raul on October 25, 2010
What I Believe a Love Relationship Should Be
-What we could expect from a love relationship.
(What each one should do to accomplish the goal)
—–
-Friendship: Someone with whom we can talk honestly, share our dreams and fears and find mutual, honest support. Someone with whom we can trust each other as the only one in the world that will never fail to help and be there for the other.
(Learning to give ourselves with honest interest and dedication; to become the “place to rest and recharge” for our loved one without any doubt of being safe, understood and supported; without criticism in the back, but honest talk with a genuine good intention instead)
-Commitment: Someone with whom we can build something together; sharing the loads and the benefits of any enterprise we together decided to pursue.
(Learning to play our cards for the other, and take any necessary risks involved without doubts and recriminations)
-Sexuality: Someone with whom we can share sex, sweet touch and the physical pleasures of the human body, without societal restrictions when we are the two of us alone.
(Learning that there’s a difference between public and private behavior and self expression, so being alone we don’t bring with us commonly accepted customs, but give ourselves openly and with care for the other’s needs and desires)
-Pride: Someone with whom we can feel proud of being with in front of others in any situation that arises.
(Learning to continually improve ourselves physically, mentally, knowledge, manners, etc, so to become a reason of pride to be with)
—–
My guess is that most people would agree with these points; but how many of us are working continually in our part, mentioned in parenthesis?
To give love and to receive love there’s only one needed, but to keep love alive and growing, as for the existence of a relationship, there’s the need of two, and that implies the search is not only to find from who we can receive, but also to find to whom we can give and dedicate ourselves too.
It seems to me it is “established” that finding love is about to find from whom we will receive, but disregarded the part where we give, which implies working hard and continually self pushing to be the one for the other….too common to say “This is the way I am” instead of thinking “What else could I do?”
Continually working to be the kind of person our loved one need implies dedication and many times adaptation and even transformation.
As long as love remains considered a “commodity” that we acquire to have the same way we have a fancy car: to have fun with; to look good with; to know it’s there for us when we need it, but forgotten when we are in “our stuff”, we will never create a relationship that works both ways; and just like one day the car simply won’t start or die on us while on the road, our love relationship will be gone.
These are my conclusion from a “robotic” way of thinking 
Raul
Posted by Raul on September 9, 2010
After spending some time reviewing the stuff I’ve posted so far, it seems to me the categorization used it’s not reflecting the kind of posts in some of them and might lead to confusion, so I’ve decided to add three more categories and reassign some of the posts so far published.
Those categories are: Memories, Fiction and Projections
The first two are self explanatory and for the third one, well…one of the things I love to do is try to fit myself in somebody else’s shoes; not physically but in my mind, so to have a chance to see the world around through somebody else’s eyes and thus experience the feelings and thoughts of that person (It’s like going to the movies without spending money!)
So far I’ve published four posts under that concept in the category “Entertainment” but now it just doesn’t seem to fit the original intention, so after some brainstorming (while not seating in the toilet) I’ve decided to create this new category called “Projections” (most of the brainstorming was about choosing the name! Can you tell?)
Anyway, this new category, together with Fiction will allow you to know I’m not talking about myself but rather I am someone else at that moment, at the same time that it’ll allow me to try to understand my own thoughts and feelings (what a clever old chap I am, right?…RIGHT?…oh well!)
Now, if somebody reading the post happens to be in that situation I’ll be very happy to hear his/her opinion so to evaluate the accuracy of the Projection and improve my procedures. Thank you beforehand for your help and sharing your experience.
So to get started, here is an old one for Projections…hope you like it.
Raul
The End Once Again
Why it has to be that way? Why it always starts like if everything clicks to later find so many differences?
Some casual talking with brief locking eyes, little by little getting to know more about each other, feeling the heart beat faster every time a coincidence in preferences arise. Then creating excuses to meet more often, finding ways to be together: a coffee break, lunch, then maybe a movie and dinner in a quiet restaurant.
We found so many coincidences, so many things in common, we thought we found the right person and played our cards, we wanted to be together. After some encounters of great sex and laughing we thought we were made for each other. We made plans together.
But after just a couple of months sharing our lives we started to see the differences. At first little things like the kind of coffee, the way to keep stuff organized, the time of the day to tend the bed. Later bigger things like spending priorities, long term projects. To finally discover all the hidden things never told before; what was expected in bed and never received, what didn’t enjoy but accepted just to comply, so many little and big things that make us look at each other like complete strangers after a fight, after getting all the details, thoughts and feelings hidden that went out in a moment of a heated argument.
Then the decision, the departure, the tears and loneliness; back to the beginning, back to a solitary life, back to be afraid of another relationship, afraid of getting hurt again!
Memories, feelings, loneliness; is it just a cycle that repeat itself over an over again? How many times before finally finding the right one? How many times before knowing that the person at our side is the one we will grow old with? Is it just a matter of time? But how many times?
Back to a gray, flat routine kind of life. No more bright days, no more happy rain, no more laughter for stupid things, no more feeling the heart beating hard!
The end once again!
Posted by Raul on November 12, 2009
This post is a following of the previous one called Killing Robots, so I suggest you to read that one first to better understand this one.
It seems that everyday more and more relationships are becoming automated. Let me explain.
Our lives are becoming automated; in more and more activities we take there is automation: heating already made food with a microwave oven, driving vehicles with automatic transmissions and automatic climate controls, power windows, mirrors, steering, etc. Automated clocks that self adjust to the right time, automatic heating and cooling systems in our homes, automatic security cameras and self turning on lights in the driveways, automated bill payment systems, even automated programs to write this article in this computer and then publish it in this blog!
It is a good thing to automate many processes in order to free time to do more, and we are doing more than before thanks to this, but since our lives are immerse in this automation, also the way we take relationships are suffering the same.
In the previous post Killing Robots you can see a quick comparison between newer and older cars; the newer, computer controlled, were you don’t have to worry about the different systems and just drive, and the older, were you had to pull the “choke” to start the engine and listen to the sounds to push it back in at the right time to prevent “flooding”
With newer cars we don’t worry, it is there, we don’t have to put work on them to make sure things go right, we just use them when we need them and forget the rest of the time, and the same thing with cooking food, just grab a box from the refrigerator, open it and throw it in the microwave, then forget, the machine will sound an alarm to let us know when is ready for us. No need to remember to turn on the lights, they have sensors. Even the toilets in public restrooms have sensors so there’s no need to remember to flush it.
My question is: could it be that with getting so accustom to automation we are starting to see automation in human relationships? I fall in love, she falls in love, we get together; I expect she will be there for me when I need her and she expect I will be there for her when she needs me, there is no need to do anything else; it’s an automatic relationship.
With older cars we had to be aware of their needs, we had to keep in mind what we had to do, we had to follow procedures to take good care of them so they will last; the same with cooking food, no microwaves or frozen meals in a box so there was a procedure to follow in order to make things right, to get good results, and that took time and dedication. We had to be accustomed to put effort and dedication to everything everyday in order to have good results and lasting service from all of our devices.
Today, with all the automation in our lives we are accustomed to use and forget, never being aware if there are any needs from our devices, so why would we pay any extra attention in a human relationship, being that a love, friendship or family one?
Like with older cars we knew we had to put effort in order to have a long, reliable service, with relationships we knew we couldn’t just throw away everything without first trying to solve the problems, and just like we developed patience with our vehicles, we knew we had to develop patience in our relationships.
Today we just use things without worries and then, when something goes wrong we discard them and get a new one, the latest, with more features.
Are we having a tendency to do the same in human relationships? Expecting that everything in that relationship will go in automatic and when things start going wrong, instead of fixing the problems and developing patience we just discard and start searching for a newer one that will brings us more features?
Taking care of material stuff = Taking care of relationships
Expendable material stuff = Expendable relationships
Newer cars suppose to last longer than older cars because of all the devices incorporated, yet they are not around for too long due to broken parts, smoking engines, worn out components.
Sure older cars were made stronger and heavier which made them more reliable. Are we becoming like new cars? More efficient in more things we do thanks to technology but at the same time becoming weaker and less reliable?
Are we gaining more efficiency in what we do thanks to all the devices we can acquire and use today, but at the same time, like new cars, loosing our strength and reliability in tough conditions, not able to deal with complicated situations that require dedication and patience?
Maybe that’s one of the main reasons why more and more marriages today are lasting less and less years, some even just months, and the same with friendships; if is not efficient, if it doesn’t provide us with the service we expect we simply discard instead of repair.
And with older people, we used to take care of them in their latest years when now they end up in nursery homes. An old car has memories implied in the use we gave them, times when they were part of the family, now they are good as long as they provide us a service, after that we get rid of them.
Where is the division line between practicality and neglecting human relationships?
Just a thought…
Raul
