Posted by Raul on June 6, 2011
If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!
In any relationship that might be: marriage, parenthood, friendship, etc. the use of bad words or insults in reference to the person we are talking to as a way of joking is something I really dislike. I do understand and accept their use as part of the joke, and we know there are times when a thousand words cannot explain what one single bad word does.
But when those words are used to directly refer to the other person, it is my opinion that slowly but surely it helps deteriorate the relationship.
Say for instance, you make a silly joke to a loved one and the response to you, as a joke, is: “Jerk!”
It might be just a joke, just a word, nothing that has a real meaning or that comes from the heart of the person saying such word, yet (unconsciously) it does become already traveled road that opens the door for another road, and then another, then another, to the point that, without even knowing, the use of insults becomes the norm, putting the relationship interactions too close to the side of disrespect.
Everything we do repeatedly will become a custom and will loose its original intensity.
Having sex before marriage as another process of getting to know each other before deciding if marriage is for them, that I agree; while having sex as a normal element of any party, and just for the temporary pleasure it gives; that I disagree.
Discovering new technologies by their use as a way to learn, adapt to the new times while improving our efficiency, I agree; but getting the latest just to be with the crowd and don’t look like left behind, that I disagree.
In everything we do, if we do it very often, we will loose the magic involved in the process, and it’ll become just the base for something else to acquire in order to recover the lost magic of the first times.
For the same reason, if it becomes the norm to use insults to joke with a loved one, then pretty soon it’ll be necessary to use stronger words to retain the “fun” of it, to the point that someone external to the circle will become shocked by the way they joke with each other.
What has become a natural thing for some could be an extreme for the rest.
Joking with bad words brings resentment in the long run, and also creates a situation of disrespect, even if there was no intention of such thing from the part of those using the bad words.
That’s why I disagree with the use of insults as jokes when referring to a loved one. To keep a positive relationship in the long run, sometimes we have to “invest” in not going too far, as a way to always remain within the range of respect and love each other deserves.
My personal opinion of course.
What is your take on that? Do you accept the use of bad words as jokes with your loved ones?
Raul
Posted by Raul on January 24, 2011
If you decide to diagnose your vehicle why it doesn’t start, check first the Crankshaft Position Sensor instead of the Ignition Pack and harness…it’ll save you a lot of time!
Last week I’ve been spending a lot of time with a vehicle that simply refuses to show what the problem is and why it doesn’t want to run. I’ve checked the ignition; timing; wiring; fuel delivery system; vacuum controls for leaks; etc, and it shows everything fine, yet it refuses to run!
For many years I’ve considered cars as a reflection of people; not only because we all tend to choose a car for a shape and characteristics that suppose to reflect us in many ways, but mostly because vehicles tend to “behave” in the same way we people do.
Take for instance this vehicle I’ve been working on (and still not finished); doesn’t it look like those situations where we are asking a loved one “What’s the matter?” and the only response we get is “Nothing”.
So we quietly think and analyze every memory we have from the past couple of days, trying to find a reason why our loved one is “functioning” in a completely different way than normal. We ask questions, but the answers don’t give any information of what the problem could be.
With the vehicle I’m working on, if the problem showed clearly, it’ll be really easy to apply a solution and the necessary corrections to make the car run smoothly again. The whole process would be quick and painless, and would avoid any unnecessary frustrations and loss of time.
With an honest answer to the question of “What’s the matter”, a change in common actions, or corrections of results about past ones, could mean the solution to the affecting problem, so the situation would be corrected, the problem solved, and friends again, without any misunderstandings and bad moments to everyone involved in the situation.
But just like some vehicles simply refuse to tell openly what the problem is, and somehow start a game of deceiving, with a loved one the same exact situation can happen, leaving us all like that car mechanic (me), who is trying to find the solution by just observation, testing and analysis of responses as the only way to get to the real reason for the change in operational mode.
I know in human situations many times the refusal to “talk” could be with the intention of not hurting feelings, but if both parts have love for the other, then the one with the problem could trust the other and be capable of openly telling what the problem is, and the other part should be able to accept a possible painful criticism that could mean the need of changing a personal behavior.
A car mechanic would want to know what the problem is in the vehicle because his intentions are to fix that problem, and is willing to accept the possibility to have to disassemble lots of components just to reach the part that is the reason of the failure; compared to the driver of the car that, normally, is not interested in fixing anything by him, but in only to have a good running car to use.
So, instead of being just drivers in our love relationship, we have to become mechanics ready to diagnose and repair any problem the relationship might incur in, no matter how much work might be involved from our part.
And like that stubborn car I’m working on, please, please, just tell what the problem is, instead of playing games that only make the mechanic think of the possibility of sending a still good working car to a junk yard!
We already have too many “good working units” roaming the lands in despair after being “discarded”, just because too often in their relationships they refused to tell what the problem was.
Raul
Posted by Raul on December 23, 2010
She had a smile and bright eyes when walking the trail by my side. We didn’t know where we would end up…we just walked the trail with a faint idea of the journey, and some vague plans for the next steps and the days ahead.
The warm breeze of December in the south hemisphere gave the hopes for the unknown, while the holding hands the reassurance for the times to come.
But winter is always ahead, and although we did know, we kept the smile while feeling the breeze in our young faces, walking the path together to the horizon always farther away on the road.
And winter did come.
Then the trail turned from the colored flowers all around to the brownish land of sadness at fall; and the sun changed to a reddish color for the winter and snow ahead. So the walking became hard with the cold wind in the face and the snow on the ground; feeling how the warm days of summer went away to be replaced by the harsh times of the season that had to be gone through.
Did we have to? And the thoughts of going back the trail to the beginning started to take home. Yet the long distance already traveled and the thoughts of going back cold, tired and sad through the same place that was walked warm and with a smile before…
The beginning of the trail and the horizon at the other end, they both seemed the same. We where standing there, trying to find a reason to keep going.
Then the little bird…the unimaginable find in the middle of nowhere; almost buried in the snow, looking at us, waiting to take it with us in our journey; to protect it and grow it as our treasure for the years to come.
So one hand holding the little bird while another found the excuse to touch the now stranger other hand once again. The excuse of the little bird; the responsibility of taking care of it; helping it grow as a given task; while walking the path to nowhere; to the setting sun.
And the little bird did grow!
Protecting it with our cold hands, together from the wind and the snow, just to find later we couldn’t let it go. The growing little bird became the element that held us together while walking the trail without aim, hoping for the warm sun to come back once again in the sky.
Stopping for a moment to look back and find the long trail walked now, and the horizon at the other end, with the promise of spring ahead and warmer days to keep going in the journey started so long ago.
And while the little bird has grown and trying its wings to fly on its own, the sun of spring announces its return and the colored flowers make the promise of a wonderful path to walk once more.
So now the thoughts of letting the once little bird fly on its own, give us the memories of the times when we started this trail so long ago. The two of us, knowing now there’ll be a bird flying somewhere; happily finding his own path and flying through the seasons of life and the fields of love.
While we, confused by the changes ahead, continue to walk this trail, looking at the horizon, knowing spring is coming with its colored flowers in the field, to be followed by the warm breeze of summer, to be back at the beginning while reaching the end of the road.
Raul
Posted by Raul on October 25, 2010
What I Believe a Love Relationship Should Be
-What we could expect from a love relationship.
(What each one should do to accomplish the goal)
—–
-Friendship: Someone with whom we can talk honestly, share our dreams and fears and find mutual, honest support. Someone with whom we can trust each other as the only one in the world that will never fail to help and be there for the other.
(Learning to give ourselves with honest interest and dedication; to become the “place to rest and recharge” for our loved one without any doubt of being safe, understood and supported; without criticism in the back, but honest talk with a genuine good intention instead)
-Commitment: Someone with whom we can build something together; sharing the loads and the benefits of any enterprise we together decided to pursue.
(Learning to play our cards for the other, and take any necessary risks involved without doubts and recriminations)
-Sexuality: Someone with whom we can share sex, sweet touch and the physical pleasures of the human body, without societal restrictions when we are the two of us alone.
(Learning that there’s a difference between public and private behavior and self expression, so being alone we don’t bring with us commonly accepted customs, but give ourselves openly and with care for the other’s needs and desires)
-Pride: Someone with whom we can feel proud of being with in front of others in any situation that arises.
(Learning to continually improve ourselves physically, mentally, knowledge, manners, etc, so to become a reason of pride to be with)
—–
My guess is that most people would agree with these points; but how many of us are working continually in our part, mentioned in parenthesis?
To give love and to receive love there’s only one needed, but to keep love alive and growing, as for the existence of a relationship, there’s the need of two, and that implies the search is not only to find from who we can receive, but also to find to whom we can give and dedicate ourselves too.
It seems to me it is “established” that finding love is about to find from whom we will receive, but disregarded the part where we give, which implies working hard and continually self pushing to be the one for the other….too common to say “This is the way I am” instead of thinking “What else could I do?”
Continually working to be the kind of person our loved one need implies dedication and many times adaptation and even transformation.
As long as love remains considered a “commodity” that we acquire to have the same way we have a fancy car: to have fun with; to look good with; to know it’s there for us when we need it, but forgotten when we are in “our stuff”, we will never create a relationship that works both ways; and just like one day the car simply won’t start or die on us while on the road, our love relationship will be gone.
These are my conclusion from a “robotic” way of thinking 
Raul
Posted by Raul on July 1, 2010
I give you my heart, my love, my feelings…but don’t take my time, my direction, my interests.
You said you gave me your heart, your love, your feelings…but you don’t do what I say and don’t do what I want…what makes me happy.
I desire you, I want you, I like the way you talk and smile and the way you make love…I want to have you by my side for whatever the time arises when my senses need you…and so the same is with you.
And so the same is with you…within you.
Then Confusion marries them in a memorable ceremony while Selfishness and Egoism serve as witnesses and Guilt is taking the pictures.
Too sarcastic? Let’s try a different approach…
I admire you, I respect you; the things you do and the way you do them and spending time talking about your dreams and fears gives me the opportunity to try to help you achieve what you want; and when I see you so happy for your accomplishments I feel happy inside.
So helping you achieve becomes my achievement and your satisfaction and peace become my own satisfaction and peace.
And so the same is with you…within you.
Then Love married them in a memorable ceremony while Innocence and Honesty served as witnesses and Growth was taking the pictures.
And then the connection creates the mutual vibration that attracts the bodies in the physical plane so the physical contact enhances the relation between us to complement that connection.
So holding hands or kissing, an arm over the shoulder or sex, whatever the physical expression might be it only complements, rounds and perfect the feelings I have for you.
But then we have the differences.
Patience, understanding and acceptance are the tools to play with to reach a common ground where we both can play at home while continue to move forward together in a growing process to the end.
Two independent units purposely intersecting and realigning their paths; then they travel together in mutual cooperation to reach their personal dreams and the common one created by their relationship.
How’s that? Better?
What do you think?
Raul
