Posted by Raul on April 2, 2014
It’s been such a long time…again!
This would be post number 200 in this blog since I started it. Does it have any meaning?
So many things keep happening one after another, that time to write and post cease to exist.
Time dragging complications and the need for changes in marriage; Problems at work that keep the mind in a state of unrest; the required support a child needs at the beginning of another life stage; a medical diagnosis that threatens with the cancellation of life time dreams; and the list goes on and on…
“One day I’ll be able to stop saying one day” (I say that in a way that reflects my own sarcasm).
While my cars patiently wait for my hands and time to nurture them into the happy machines they used to be; a house silently cries its needs while untruthfully says “I can wait”, and lifetime dreams and projects keep piling up and remaining alive by just the hopes of one day be free to fly in the real, physical world.
The doctor said: “You have to consider changing to a different kind of work, and changing your projects for the rest of your life”. But for someone that needs to touch the physical world with his hands to retain the connection between him and the others in their physical world as a way to retain his physical existence, those words felt like someone helping you to release the grip you have on the only thing that keeps you hanging and prevents you from falling to the abyss under your feet. You fall…and there goes life; getting away from you at the speed of freefall. Then you think “It’s over”.
I’ll try to re-start this blog once again; I’ll try to keep posting in a more regular way; I’ll try to explain you all the things that have been happening in the last six months.
I cannot promise to be back in full swing; I cannot promise to even have the energy to go visit you; I cannot promise anything at this point.
I’ll just try
Posted by Raul on November 8, 2013
About two years ago I wrote this one out of confusion, sadness and hope, and I found it just a couple of days ago in a dusty folder in my computer; so I publish it now with a smile for a reason you will later know.
It never was, or at least it could never be, or so he thought every time she was around him. Dancing with a smile and sweet movements that invited him to dream of love, yet he knew from the beginning it wasn’t meant to be.
She was a ghost of the past in his mind and a shadow of the present in his eyes, yet she remained in front, dancing again in the lights of sunset while he tried to avoid the ghost, at the same time that he enjoyed the presence of an illusion that brought so much joy to his heart.
A dancing ghost from the past; perceived, created or simply imagined from the darkest part of his mind, and that surfaced after so many years of wondering and questioning. A dancing ghost from the past that couldn’t be, yet was in front of his eyes; filling his heart with joy and confusion at the same time.
Yellow flowers and maybe a mistake from his part…he never knew. A cup of coffee and flying hours to let the sun escape unnoticed while the words came free for moments and then disappear forever again, like the years before.
Dancing ghost! Illusion from the past that never was a reality, leaving him confused about the present and the long time thoughts.
A whole world in front…so wide, so deep, so long, so confusing, yet full of hopes.
What happened to you beautiful butterfly? Where are you dancing now secret ghost?
Maybe some day the paths will cross again just to say “Hi” and then disappear once more, like an illusion that refuses to die on its own. Maybe some day the dancing ghost will be there to be seen like before, and his heart will beat faster and stronger for a brief moment, just to die a little bit moments later, when reality sets on.
The ghost that once went away materialized once more, so I guess paths never go in a straight line after all!
Posted by Raul on October 30, 2013
One of the things I never understood is why hearing someone whistling gets to my nerves and makes me loose all concentration while getting me really mad. I don’t explode, I just become useless. My body feels like shaking; my hands loose precision; my breath becomes agitated, and all I want is to get out of there!
Maybe is the sound? Or maybe the pitch of the sound that affects my hearing? (not everyone has the same hearing range, right?). Or maybe a psychologist will tell me that I hate my father! (!?)
The thing is, since I remember (wait, I have bad memory), let’s say, since I was a child I can’t stand the sound of someone whistling and I never found out why, and never been able to get rid of that problem.
Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe it has something to do with a hearing range more common in Aspies than normal people, but that’s only a thought without any support.
The thing is, at work some people like to whistle, and when I have to work with them, I quickly run to get some foam ear plugs to try to minimize the problem, but even though most of the sounds around disappear, the whistling still can be heard! I’m almost convinced that it has to be the sound ranges of the whistling and my hearing. Maybe one day I’ll end up howling like a dog when a siren is ON.
So I guess, just like in the previous post “Aspie World 11 – Driving” I mentioned a sort of Aspie Superpower, maybe this is one of my “Underpowers”. LOL
I hope nobody can have control of my mind with just whistling! Or can they? (Yay!)
Posted by Raul on July 24, 2013
A couple of weeks ago I managed to make several enemies at work! It was the last day of the week so most people were in the attitude of letting the day go by and get over with the working week, without doing much but just the minimum necessary.
By the opposite, I was trying to get the required production numbers that was the target for that day, so I was pushing the production and helping everywhere I could; big mistake (I guess).
Let me explain you what the situation was:
My work is in a production line. There are about twenty stations along the line and each one adds another component to the product traveling through the line, so at the end it is complete and ready to be packed and sealed.
In order to push the line for faster production there are “Floaters”, which is people who know all the stations and is fast in all of them, so they go around watching where the line is slowing down and help that station to keep up the speed. A floater is all day running from one station to the next helping with production, supplies, an even covering a station when the worker needs to go to the bathroom. It is a fast paced work, and in a 12 hours shift is also tiring, but for me is very entertaining since there is always something to do and the day goes really fast!
That specific day we were running low in personnel, so instead of having 3 or 4 floaters which is the norm, we had only one (me), so I felt the need to compensate and was running like crazy from one station to another trying to keep the line moving at the required speed (there are target running times). But people were in a different mood and more in the concept of letting the day go by without working hard, so to get over with the working week and go home.
After a while, and seeing that I was the only one pushing and even more, getting people mad at me for trying to keep the production numbers, I decided to go talk with the supervisor to explain the situation. In a brief talk with him I explained that I understood that people might be tired and wanting to get the working week over, but at the other hand in my concepts we were being paid to do a job, and since we collect the whole paycheck every time, we should give the whole work every time too, independent of how tired we might be. But it was impossible to keep pushing a line that requires forty workers with only one working!
Given the situation, I told the supervisor that I would be slowing down and not pushing anymore because not only it was impossible, but I was making too many enemies around, and I had to consider the future working there, and is not fun to work in an environment where many people hates you, right? So I wanted to clarify that the reason for my slowing down wasn’t laziness or irresponsibility, but simply adapting to the circumstances at hand.
I also mentioned that the responsibility of motivating, and even pushing the workers to do their job was Leadership task and not mine, and if they were not in the mood to do that, but rather be in the same page with the workers (waiting for the day to go by), then there was nothing I could do about it. So I said to the supervisor that this party was run by leadership, and they can run it anyway they want, and I was fine with it, and I was just clarifying that I wasn’t lazy, but just adapting at the condition set by leadership in the production area.
The supervisor acknowledge my concerns and gave me his support in the situation, but also called leadership to coordinate a procedure in order to reach and keep the target running times. Leadership went on to apply the new procedures and everybody was happy (or so I thought).
At the end of the day we had kept the required running time and I went home tired but satisfied of having done my job; and I even received the thanks from leadership for my efforts.
The following week not only several workers didn’t talk to me and even avoided me, but even leadership didn’t talk to me other than the strictly necessary; and always in a very business like way!
I managed to make many enemies in one day!
My point with this post is, in my opinion we are hired to perform a job in exchange of a set pay rate. When payday comes we take the whole check, so we should give the whole work. I never say: “Just give me half the paycheck”, so why should I give half the work.
Now, don’t get me wrong; when I’m saying that I suppose to give the whole work, is not about protecting the company interests (although there is some of it too), but mostly is about pride! You see, when I signed that contract I gave my word that I would perform a certain amount of work with a certain level of quality in exchange of a specific pay rate. So far the company has kept its part of the deal and I’ve received the paychecks as promised, so I should keep my part of the deal and provide to the company with the quality and amount of work I promised in that contract. It’s not about protecting the company interests; it’s about protecting my pride and validity of my word and signature!
If we all sign a contract to work in this company and some people don’t keep the promise they gave with their signature, how can I trust that person when they promise something else? Isn’t keeping our word in our work contract a reflection of who we are?
Now, I don’t care what they decide to do about their pride and values, but I intend to keep mine, although it seems to create many enemies along the way!
I don’t like “paid by the hour” and prefer “paid by production”; people select themselves and only those who really want to work remain, and all those who want to be “paid by presence” simply go away.
I know I’m an Aspie and think and see things in a different way, and most of society is based in interaction, connections and getting along (things that are very difficult for me), but still I believe in concepts like pride, respecting and protecting one’s word (or signature) and that’s why I keep pushing in those directions, even if it means people around won’t like me. Sort of stubborn in what I believe is right!
What is your take in this kind of situations?
Posted by Raul on May 29, 2013
I don’t know where I got this picture, but every time I see it reminds me of what parenthood has been for me!
Originally I didn’t want to have kids…ever! Since my relationship with my parents didn’t go very well, I grew up with the learned concept that kids are just a big problem, and the best that can happens when they come along uninvited was to hope for a quick growing up, so they will leave and parents will finally have a life, rest and joy.
My son did come “uninvited” (like most babies), but I remember a depressive state that lasted probably no more than 24 hrs. From then it has been all wonderful! He always seemed to be in the best age and we have enjoyed his presence all his life.
The joy of a little baby; when he started to walk; watching Barney the Dinosaur when he was about 5; competing reading Animorphs when he was 12; watching Star Wars together when he was 16; Talking about history when he was in his 20’s; now talking about society and human behavior while he is 24. Every stage in his growing process has been amazing, and little by little he has gone from son to friend. How many more wonderful times we’ll have as the years go by!
I still don’t understand why some parents want to push their kids out when they reach 18. I do understand that some times you learn faster how to survive in society by just jumping into the waters, but when we see that many times kids get limited in what they can do to have a better life because they have to take responsibilities like paying rent and bills, I just don’t get it!
At my work, many of my co-workers are young people in their 20’s, and I see them struggling to pay rent and bills, while at the same time try to pay for college, and trying to make time for classes and homework while having a full time job. Most of them end up quitting school after the first year!
Not only that, but when the only guidance they have is their friends their same age, mostly they learn how to spend in newer cars, latest movies and fancier cell phones, failing to see by this way how their lives will be in ten to twenty years in the future.
With this I see that some of this “kids” end up having babies after partying, and then there is no intention of taking responsibility for their own children. History repeats itself, but in a worst way.
At the other hand, there is so much fun spending time with my son, talking about so many things and sharing his and our projects and dreams.
Maybe I’m too old, or maybe too idealistic or naïve, but I don’t understand the concept of “time to depart” with our children, especially when in my concepts the most important part in life is not the material but the sentimental. Many of the things related to the material can be learned later when needed, but the feelings of pertaining, family love, company, support and understanding cannot be recovered later. You can learn to drive later in life when you need it, but can’t have the feelings and memories of being loved in your childhood and young years when those times are already gone!
What do you think? If you agree with the departing system, would you explain me the concept?