Posted by Raul on November 25, 2009
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Why it has to be that way? Why it always starts like if everything clicks to later find so many differences?
Some casual talking with brief locking eyes, little by little getting to know more about each other, feeling the heart beat faster every time a coincidence in preferences arise. Then creating excuses to meet more often, finding ways to be together: a coffee break, lunch, then maybe a movie and dinner in a quiet restaurant.
We found so many coincidences, so many things in common, we thought we found the right person and played our cards, we wanted to be together. After some encounters of great sex and laughing we thought we were made for each other. We made plans together.
But after just a couple of months sharing our lives we started to see the differences. At first little things like the kind of coffee, the way to keep stuff organized, the time of the day to tend the bed. Later bigger things like spending priorities, long term projects. To finally discover all the hidden things never told before; what was expected in bed and never received, what didn’t enjoy but accepted just to comply, so many little and big things that make us look at each other like complete strangers after a fight, after getting all the details, thoughts and feelings hidden that went out in a moment of a heated argument.
Then the decision, the departure, the tears and loneliness; back to the beginning, back to a solitary life, back to be afraid of another relationship, afraid of getting hurt again!
Memories, feelings, loneliness; is it just a cycle that repeat itself over an over again? How many times before finally finding the right one? How many times before knowing that the person at our side is the one we will grow old with? Is it just a matter of time? But how many times?
Back to a gray, flat routine kind of life. No more bright days, no more happy rain, no more laughter for stupid things, no more feeling the heart beating hard!
The end once again!
Posted by Raul on November 17, 2009
Grab my jacket. It’s cold outside. Check the keys in my pocket, the cell phone and wallet and go out of the house. Morning walk; not something I do often, but today I have to get out! I have to leave this empty place!
Still some more minutes for the sun to rise above the horizon and give its shining light that’ll make difficult to see without getting blinded. Still some more minutes of morning light without the sun, so the mist and cold air can be taken as a feeling, as it is within me.
The streets are full with cars going in every direction, people walking in a hurry with their minds somewhere else.
How long it’s been? How many years? How many attempts to find the right one? How many encounters and short friendships that end up in diluted communication that finally die to never again hear from each other? I take a deep breath of this refreshing cold air.
Winter is approaching and soon snow will be here. My heart is cold! I can feel my tired body walking with no destination in mind. By moments I feel I could cry. Where are you? Why it’s so difficult to find someone, just one! So many people around, I’m walking among them, yet I’m walking alone! I look at their faces, strangers.
Cold air around my head is getting me a frozen face, I can’t smile anymore! A cup of coffee somewhere? Alone? How about a nice chat? Who will seat in front of me so we can see each other’s eyes and smile, and talk and feel warmth inside? I could cry right now!
Change direction, take an empty street, I want to be alone. I am alone! I want to have the freedom of letting some tears go out without other people looking at me. It’s difficult to breath, my chest and throat are tight, I can’t swallow without pain. I try to breath to relax but can’t. I reduce the pace of my walking to a stop, concentrate in breathing, look around, no one…I cry! My legs are weak, my body trembles, look down, look up, breath deep, close my eyes, relax. I start walking again. I head for home.
Home? It’ll be home if you were there; a place to go back everyday to find your smile, your arms, your company. This is not home, this is just my place; a big box where I can keep my stuff.
Where are you? Will I meet you someday? Will be you in the next encounter? Is there someone out there for me? Will I be alone forever? I’ll keep looking, what else can I do?
Posted by Raul on November 10, 2009
After I dropped you at the airport and say bye all the thoughts and remorse came to me. What a stupid thing! I guess it was the nerves of several days apart, or maybe the fear of not seeing each other again, an accident, who knows.
You had to go, I had to stay, just a couple of days, no big deal.
Maybe it would be a lot easier if we haven’t had that fight in the morning; maybe if we had just hugged and kissed as always, but the stupid plate had to fall and break. One less in the set, so what! It wasn’t worth an argument, but we had it. Maybe it was the nerves.
Now I drive back home with this feeling of guilt for not fixing things between us before you departed. What if something happens? What if you never come back? What if I never get to hug you and kiss you again? I love you, but it’s too late to tell you now.
Traffic takes forever, like everything moving in slow motion; I drive like a robot, not even getting mad at the guy changing lanes too close in front of me. I’m thinking about you. The remorse; I should have apologized, say sorry and hugged you before you left; what if I never get to see you again?
Got home, our home! Park in the driveway and go inside the house, our place! Look inside, look at the wall and saw that painting we bought in a garage sale; I remember, we saw it and loved it! Immediately agreed that the wall over the fireplace was perfect! We bought it. I smile at the memory and then cry! How can I tell you now that I’m sorry! That I love you!
I need a cup of coffee, I need to relax; you told me that you will call as soon as you get there. I can apologize then!
Grab a cup, my cup, the one you gave me for my birthday. I love it, I love you, I miss you…I cry again!
I lift the cup and there is a piece of paper lying on the table, I grab it, there’s something written in it, I read it, I start crying again. So simple, so wonderful…like you! It’s your hand writing; it’s hard to see those three words with tears in my eyes, but I read it over and over again!
“I love you”
