Posted by Raul on December 30, 2009
Please don’t cry! It is so strange to see you crying without the chance to give you a hug and hold you for a while, not being able to wipe your tears and tell you something silly to make you laugh.
And I’m seating here looking at you, wanting to touch you, hold your hand and go for a walk at the park just the same as we always used to do. Walk without aim while looking around the trees and birds and talking about anything that might come to mind at the moment; have a good laugh after a silly joke came out of nowhere.
I remember all the years together; the hopes, the fights, the plans and the simple things that made out our time as a couple. So many times becoming hell and wanting to leave but never did because at the end it is about doing this long trip that is life together, no matter what we encounter, no matter what we have to endure from life, we were always there for each other, even if it was with a hard face.
But then there were also the good times; the projects, the plans, the accomplishments, so many little things that made a big difference in something that wasn’t really important, except for us, like when we completed a small garden in the back yard, or painted the house together. We talked, we proposed, we argued, we agreed, we did and we laughed, then hugging each other we contemplated the end result that most of the time wasn’t what we planned but left us satisfied with the accomplishment of another little improvement of our surroundings.
And then there were the kids; those little monsters that made us worried when they were sick, made us laugh with their ingenious tricks to get something and their jokes while seating at the dining table; every accomplishment they had that made us proud. All the pictures accumulated for years with every event in life; and then they grew up to be themselves and walk their own path, leaving us satisfied yet somehow feeling alone.
So then again it was you and me, learning all from the beginning, learning to be just the two of us, reaching our memories for what we used to do. Playing with leaves by fall and making a snow man in winter, laughing like children in the bodies of old people, looking silly, maybe stupid, I don’t know.
That young, skinny girl I met so long ago that turned into an old woman with gray hair that I must say I still feel attractive in bed, even if you don’t like to see yourself naked in the mirror anymore. I guess is the years together, the many things we lived, enjoyed and endure; the path we walked with just a vague main plan, sometimes just surviving the moment and keep going forward with the hopes of a better tomorrow.
And now here we are, face to face yet so distant, both of us crying wanting to hug yet remaining apart; I’m seating here in front of you, talking to you while you can’t hear me and thinking you are alone. How can I let you know that I am with you? How can I tell you that I’ll be here for you, always? I wish I can go home with you!
She remained standing there for another moment, wanting to stay forever but knowing that she has to leave. Her older son holding her without saying a word mostly because didn’t really know what to say, so just remained there for her. Then the time came and they started to walk away from the empty place back to home…leaving behind her husband’s grave.
Posted by Raul on December 21, 2009
His hand moved quickly to reach for the pen and accidentally in the process touched the cup of coffee on the side, at the edge of the table. Some of the coffee was spilled and the cup started to fall to the kitchen floor.
A fraction of a second!
-He saw the cup, the shape, the colors, the image engraved in it.
-The moment when he opened the gift and found inside the cup.
-Her smile while looking at him expecting his approval for the gift.
-Giving her a hug and a kiss to thank her for the gift.
-Trying the new cup with some fresh brewed coffee.
-Holding the cup while enjoying the aroma.
-Spending some time looking at the cup and the engraved picture in it.
-Smiling at her to let her know that he liked the gift.
-Carefully washing the cup after using it for the first time.
-Finding a preferred spot for the cup in the kitchen.
-Using the cup for some coffee to relax after they had a fight.
-Looking at the cup and remembering so many good moments together.
-Taking the cup with him in that business trip so to have something from her.
-Getting mad when wanted a coffee in his cup and found it with something else in the refrigerator.
-He smiled in his mind!
-His surprise when in that road trip she served him coffee from the thermo in his cup.
-When did she put the cup in the baggage?
-Looking for the cup at the hotel room before leaving.
-Suspecting of someone taking it without permission.
-Finding it in the bathroom where he forgot to bring it back.
-Accustomed to see the cup in the preferred spot in the kitchen.
The cup touched the floor and instantly went into a thousand pieces that spread all over the kitchen. He remained there for a couple of seconds looking at the mess on the floor before letting some bad words out and standing from the chair to pick up the broken cup and clean up the mess.
Posted by Raul on December 7, 2009
They are out there, they circle around the skies in their mighty flying machines, but they hide from us. They are watching us!
They have been changing us from the beginning with their own seed, watching the outcome of their experiments throughout the centuries and doing adjustments accordingly, checking us from time to time, taking some of us for a short time to see where exactly we are.
There are many paintings from the past about “Them”, many drawings on caves. They have been around since the beginning. So many pictures taken, so many films recorded; most of that can be fake, people trying to get famous or make some money, but it takes just one to be true to prove they exist.
How much is the government hiding? Do they know?
They are out there taking care of us, watching us as big brothers, waiting for us to grow enough to stop wars, to stop selfishness, to become old enough to understand finally that we are children of the cosmos, so become brothers together as we suppose to be.
Then “They” will come down and invite us to join them in the Big Reunion. Then we’ll finally get to meet them and be part of the whole, the universe.
In the meantime we have to keep growing since we are not ready yet. We are children as a race. Earth is a kindergarten and the human race behaves as its children. We need to learn the basics and stop fighting each other or feeling envy for what others have.
Several thousand years more we will be ready, grown enough, mature enough. In some several thousand years more we’ll stop wars as a way of fixing our problems and leave aside our conquering desires.
Only then they will see us as mature enough, as a developed race to the point of being worth to contact, only then they will consider inviting us to join them to be at their side, but for as long as we keep this behavior of violence, self interest and wars for personal gain they will remain aside. They will keep hiding.
If they came down now people would call the military instead of the representatives, governments would try to get their technology for weaponry knowledge and power instead of creating solutions to sicknesses and problems of hunger, to get them as allies for other’s control instead of
planetary health and balance.
They will keep hiding until we are grown enough.
We still see each other as complete strangers when clothing, language or religion is different, even if we are the same race, and when the body is different we become terrified!
We are not ready, we keep doing movies of monster aliens coming to conquer us and eat us! And we always solve those proposed situations with violence.
They will keep hiding, we are not ready yet, but some day we will, and we’ll be part of the universe, without differences between us or them, we will be one with the universe, as we suppose to be!
Posted by Raul on November 25, 2009
Why it has to be that way? Why it always starts like if everything clicks to later find so many differences?
Some casual talking with brief locking eyes, little by little getting to know more about each other, feeling the heart beat faster every time a coincidence in preferences arise. Then creating excuses to meet more often, finding ways to be together: a coffee break, lunch, then maybe a movie and dinner in a quiet restaurant.
We found so many coincidences, so many things in common, we thought we found the right person and played our cards, we wanted to be together. After some encounters of great sex and laughing we thought we were made for each other. We made plans together.
But after just a couple of months sharing our lives we started to see the differences. At first little things like the kind of coffee, the way to keep stuff organized, the time of the day to tend the bed. Later bigger things like spending priorities, long term projects. To finally discover all the hidden things never told before; what was expected in bed and never received, what didn’t enjoy but accepted just to comply, so many little and big things that make us look at each other like complete strangers after a fight, after getting all the details, thoughts and feelings hidden that went out in a moment of a heated argument.
Then the decision, the departure, the tears and loneliness; back to the beginning, back to a solitary life, back to be afraid of another relationship, afraid of getting hurt again!
Memories, feelings, loneliness; is it just a cycle that repeat itself over an over again? How many times before finally finding the right one? How many times before knowing that the person at our side is the one we will grow old with? Is it just a matter of time? But how many times?
Back to a gray, flat routine kind of life. No more bright days, no more happy rain, no more laughter for stupid things, no more feeling the heart beating hard!
The end once again!
Posted by Raul on November 17, 2009
Grab my jacket. It’s cold outside. Check the keys in my pocket, the cell phone and wallet and go out of the house. Morning walk; not something I do often, but today I have to get out! I have to leave this empty place!
Still some more minutes for the sun to rise above the horizon and give its shining light that’ll make difficult to see without getting blinded. Still some more minutes of morning light without the sun, so the mist and cold air can be taken as a feeling, as it is within me.
The streets are full with cars going in every direction, people walking in a hurry with their minds somewhere else.
How long it’s been? How many years? How many attempts to find the right one? How many encounters and short friendships that end up in diluted communication that finally die to never again hear from each other? I take a deep breath of this refreshing cold air.
Winter is approaching and soon snow will be here. My heart is cold! I can feel my tired body walking with no destination in mind. By moments I feel I could cry. Where are you? Why it’s so difficult to find someone, just one! So many people around, I’m walking among them, yet I’m walking alone! I look at their faces, strangers.
Cold air around my head is getting me a frozen face, I can’t smile anymore! A cup of coffee somewhere? Alone? How about a nice chat? Who will seat in front of me so we can see each other’s eyes and smile, and talk and feel warmth inside? I could cry right now!
Change direction, take an empty street, I want to be alone. I am alone! I want to have the freedom of letting some tears go out without other people looking at me. It’s difficult to breath, my chest and throat are tight, I can’t swallow without pain. I try to breath to relax but can’t. I reduce the pace of my walking to a stop, concentrate in breathing, look around, no one…I cry! My legs are weak, my body trembles, look down, look up, breath deep, close my eyes, relax. I start walking again. I head for home.
Home? It’ll be home if you were there; a place to go back everyday to find your smile, your arms, your company. This is not home, this is just my place; a big box where I can keep my stuff.
Where are you? Will I meet you someday? Will be you in the next encounter? Is there someone out there for me? Will I be alone forever? I’ll keep looking, what else can I do?
