With the Flu-like Cold I brought from St Louis, MO in the last trip, sometimes I used to get endless sequences of uncontrollable coughing that seemed to never end. As you know, every time you cough you expel air from your lungs. Normally you would cough and then breathe, to then cough more, depending on the kind of cold you have.
This cold gave me some endless coughing that, at one hand made me feel my throat to be ripped apart like you could with a piece of meat if you grab it with both hands and then pull apart until it tears into two pieces. Then at the other hand, by being an endless sequence of coughing with no chance to breathe in between, quickly, while feeling the sharp pain in my throat, the lack of breathing and oxygen created a sharp pain in my chest, with the only option for me to just curl and hang in there.
A sharp, growing pain in my throat and vocal cords, while having a sharp pain in the chest, and the desperation of not being able to breathe. With eyes tightly closed everything became white and suddenly there was no up or down, no sides and no front or back, just white all around, floating. There was no pain and no fear, just the peace of not worrying, not thinking, not feeling. Inert, floating, being, but not being as we know. Rest, peace!
Later I opened my eyes and I was still curled in bed. My throat hurt, my chest hurt, my breathing was normal, there was no cough. It was all quiet, inside and out.
I’ve been close to death several times in my life and for different reasons, so I know what’s in the other side. That’s why I am not afraid of death. I know death will bring peace, rest, at least for me, because that’s what I’ve felt.
At one hand is great to know because then there is no fear for the end. I’m not afraid to die! But at the other hand it can be a bad thing. When you know your death will bring you rest, sometimes when situations become to complicated to handle, or sicknesses become to strong to fight, then there is the tendency to quit the fight and just desire and wait for death to come. I know because I’ve felt that way many times.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love life and I don’t want to die because there are so many things to do and so many places to see. Life is such a gift that it can become addictive! I love life and I still have a “barrel list” (rather than a bucket list) of things I want to do, try, experience. Death would be such a waste!!
But in those moments of strong sickness, when you can’t breathe and are in so much pain; or those moments when life becomes so complicated, with your projects, desires and problems so entangled and impossible to straighten up, death becomes so appealing!
I don’t know if other people have had these same situations of close encounters with death; or if they had a different perception of what death would be, like feeling scared of what they will find there. I don’t know also if anybody would believe me on what I say, but that is OK; I’m not trying to convince anybody of what I saw and felt; after all, we all will have our chance to see for ourselves at some point, right?
So all I wanted with this post was to let you know another perspective on what death could be; and how that perspective can influence the direction of our thoughts after a tipping point.
I could be wrong; I could be right, who knows. All that matters right now is that I acquired a peace of mind about death, and you have another perspective to analyze.