The Girl In My Head

2013-05-14  The Girl In My Head

Between the ages of fifteen and eighteen I got in my head this strange idea that came from nowhere: At some point in my life I would meet a very sweet girl who would become my other half.

She would be about four inches shorter than me and would have a slim body. With an angular face, a straight, fine nose shape, and slightly slanted eyes. She would have a tanned skin and dark hair and eyes. Her manner would be very smooth and would have a very sweet voice, yet she would be very tough and ready to take the world and life on her own.

A little later, while visiting an aunt, in the conversation I heard her name (which I already knew), but this time her name had a special ring in it, and I knew at that moment that it was also the name of the girl I would meet someday: Silvia.

By the time I was nineteen I met this shy girl and fell in love with her, and a year and a half later, when I reached my 21, we got married.

She didn’t have any of the characteristics of the girl in my head (physical and of personality) and the name was different, but it didn’t really matter since the girl in my head was just that…a girl in my head…my imagination…the works of my solitary years dreaming of finding someone to love and be loved.

Marriage didn’t go well but we remained together and I didn’t divorce; first trying to fix things, then to be there for our son, and later, after already more than 25 years married, mostly because it seemed sort of too late to start a new life. I wasn’t happy, but it was just the way things were.

A couple of years ago, when I was still working delivering papers, a new carrier arrived to the warehouse. A beautiful girl with a very model-like way of walking, showing confidence and skill as she moved within the warehouse. She had a very sweet voice and manners, and was always smiling and being nice to everyone. She looked somehow fragile, yet she was strong and doing her job without asking for anybody’s help.

At that moment I didn’t remember my strange idea, and just enjoyed (from a distance) her beauty, without talking or even saying “hi” to her. It was several months later that I learned her name: Silvia. I was shocked! At that moment it came to my mind the memories of that strange idea that I got so many years before (more than twenty five!) and that I didn’t relate at first.

At that point, after so many years holding the concept of not getting involved with another woman, no matter how bad my marriage could go, became obsolete in the presence of this beautiful girl.

But she was so young! It couldn’t be her; besides, I don’t believe in destiny. Still, after another several months I put together the courage and started to talk with her, trying to know more who she was, and with the idea of trying to prove to myself that destiny doesn’t exist, and this girl wasn’t the girl in my memories.

To my surprise she was ten years younger than me, and not twenty or more, as I thought first, based in her looks. Her beauty and manners were as I saw in my mind so many years ago, and through the conversation I learned that, even though she was so sweet and gentle, she lived alone, taking care of her house without the help of anybody, and was delivering papers at three o’clock in the morning in solitary areas without fears of being attacked or robed. She just carried a baseball bat in case she had to defend herself from any danger.

By the way; the girl in the picture at the beginning of this post is Silvia! I just google her name one day and found this picture (and others) that were posted by the company she works at, when she received some awards for her work.

My heart couldn’t contain more joy at the moment, while my mind couldn’t become more confused at the same time. Was it just a crazy thought in my mind, based in the loneliness I had? Or does destiny really exist?

I never cheated on my wife, but this time I did invite this girl out since after all…she was a special one! But then the internal battle: Should I go ahead and do what is so common in society, yet goes against my principles, and cheat on my wife? Or should I fix the marriage problems once and for all and finish the whole by concreting the so long dreamed divorce?

But what if it was just an idea in my head and this girl just a coincidence? After all any idea in my head would have to come from what does exist in society, and after so many years seeing so many people, the chances to encounter someone that would fit the images in my mind would have to appear.

Still, I fell in love with her! And for the first time after so many years I could feel butterflies in my stomach again when listening to her sweet voice. A couple of times meeting for coffee and conversation, and then hours going by in my vehicle talking about whatever came to mind.

At that time I didn’t know I was an Aspie and the characteristics an Aspie has, so I couldn’t read her signals, and the doubts of making a mistake that could make her mad at me and not wanting to see me again prevented me from advancing to a more intimate relation. My mind was racing at a hundred miles an hour trying to discover if she was just tired (she had two jobs) or trying to tell me something when she reclined in the passenger seat of my vehicle, smiled and looked at me in the eyes while we were talking. I just didn’t want to make a stupid mistake, and I didn’t see her as just a possibility to get laid since I also respected her.

It was a magic time of butterflies in my stomach, and doubts and confusions about what was really happening and what should I do. That was the reason for weird posts like “Butterflies” and “Dead Butterflies” talking about Silvia; and posts like “The Long Trail”; “Renewing the Car” and “Caged Bird” talking about if I should divorce, and the feelings in my marriage in general; and posts like “So Tired”, “Creature One” and “Human Interconnection” trying to describe the feelings after so many years in a barren relationship.

I believe after a while she got tired of me for not taking a decision and wanted not to see each other anymore. That was the last time I saw her, now a couple of years ago. I still have her address, her phone number and her email address, but I only sent her an email a couple of time for New Year, her birthday and a Valentine’s Day. I haven’t gone back to her house (I’m not a stalker) and I haven’t called her on the phone, and no more email.

Perhaps because we drifted apart I could say that it was just a coincidence and nothing else, but I still have her in my memories for the sweetness experienced in my heart for a brief moment in the past thirty years, and the somehow secret hope that maybe someday our paths might cross again, even if it is just to see her once more and say hi, to then never see her ever again.

You might be wondering why am I telling you all this, that seems to be part of a private life. The reason is that I just had to get it out of my chest, and there’s no one else I can tell. Thank you for visiting my blog!


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2 Responses to The Girl In My Head

  1. Patricia says:

    I am so glad you shared this part of your life. It is a lovely piece and just maybe you should tell the other people involved in this story and a counselor….

    I know there are often times when I have no one to share with and I write a blog post…or I tuck the emotion or idea into a book review.

    Maybe you denied others the opportunity to make their own decisions or connections? Worth talking it thru with someone in real time?
    Patricia´s last post ..IN THE GARDEN OF STONE ~Susan Tekulve

    Raul Reply:

    Hi Patricia,

    Being an Aspie I don’t have connections. Believe it or not, I know more people through this blog than in physical life, so there’s nobody that I can trust enough to tell about this. That’s why I decided to write it here, since the people who visit me (like you) are the people I trust the most. :)

    Thank you for your kind words and good intentions!

    A cyber hug for you.

    Raul´s last post ..The Girl In My Head

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