Right now I’m in the parking lot waiting for the time to start my job. Since my biggest problem with Asperger’s is dealing with people, my job, implying working with others, is perhaps the most difficult part of my everyday life. It is not the work itself, but having to work with others. If I had the chance to work completely alone it’ll be just perfect!
For that reason some time ago I started experimenting with different kind of pills to control anxiety and finally opted for Zyban once a day to control general anxiety, and Seredyn as needed to control excessive anxiety. While Zyban gives me a metallic taste in my mouth most of the time, and also somehow activates my brain at sleeping time making me dream very vivid and more often, it is a very good trade for the tranquility I get in exchange. At the other hand, Seredyn seems to work in a very unpredictable way. Some times it takes a couple of hours to start making effect, and some others it just takes ten minutes, but it’s a very strong aid to keep calmed and relaxed.
The reason I’m telling you this is because I just took two pills of Seredyn before starting work (I always do that to be relaxed before having to deal with people), and this time the pills made effect at once, throwing me in a state of being “high”, so I thought I should write about this to let people know one of the elements that are common in an Aspie life, which is dealing with anxiety when interacting with others…while for others dealing with people is a natural thing.
Several times I’ve questioned myself if it is right to be “High” at work in order to be relaxed and prevent anxiety and depression (the two ghosts that follow almost every aspie in the world). It could seem like I’m doing something wrong, but I know it is not illegal drugs and it is not because I like it, but rather because I need it in order not to blow up with sensory overload and mostly, with getting extremely mad at people’s normal ways.
So while I’m writing this I’m feeling very high and everything moves slowly around me, and I’ve been in this same situation several times at work, which leads me to think in the two sides of the coin in this particular situation.
Being high; seeing how everything moves slowly around; being careful when walking so not to trip and fall; focusing the eyes to the work in front to do things properly, while smiling at people’s jokes around and somehow feeling part of the group, and even daring to participate and throw a joke myself to make other people laugh, and not worrying if they like or understand the joke or not.
Or being honest; oneself; clean; no drugs or external chemical aids, and living and somehow feeling like a rabbit surrounded by foxes when dealing with people. Keeping the brain at a thousand miles an hour trying to decipher if what was said was a joke, an insult, a sarcastic comment, a friendly remark, or who knows what else. Thinking ways to talk, words to say, discarding them for not appropriate or just because they don’t seem to be right, so trying to find others, and feeling how time goes by and nothing has been said, so desperation takes home and the brain doesn’t respond anymore, to quickly fall into the feeling of being different, an outsider, an intruder, so wanting to run away and hide.
I have made my mind, I’m using these pills, even if they get me high, and even if they cost me my job at some point, I’ve spent the first 50 years of my life immersed in anxiety and depression and I can tell you…it’s not fun at all!
With these pills I can not only go through the process of dealing with people, but also I even enjoy it! It is such a different kind of life; but without the pills it wouldn’t be life at all.