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Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Don’t Say Sorry!

Posted by Raul on July 26, 2010

 

The thing is, I hate when people say “I’m sorry” because I think “why didn’t you anticipate the problem?” For me people who say sorry too easy is people who is used to not thinking of the consequences of their actions and just throw the “sorry” word to get “clean” and move on…easy life!

We can see how adults teach their children to go that way when, instead of teaching them to think before acting, just let them be anyway they want and later tell them to “say sorry”, so the child say sorry and keep going the same way without learning anything from the situation.

Then, when being an adult, the same situation occurs, only the wording can become more complex or have more variations: “Oh I’m terribly sorry” “I’m so sorry” and so on.

It is not just that in those situations it becomes annoying the continuous line of “mistakes and sorry sayings” but it is also how it affects in life. When we don’t learn to think before doing, in small things could be (could be) OK, but the bigger things are the ones to mostly worry about.

-Love relationships that go awry because each one acts without thinking, then the flood of “sorry” that leaves each one with the feeling of not being important for the other

-A 16 years old kid driving really fast without thinking ahead, then crash and burn, and even worst, taking someone else in the process.

-Should I mention drunk driving?

Learning to think ahead is not just about preventing problems but also is about considering those around in the equation so no longer it is all about “me” and “the situation around me” but it is also about learning to respect the others as equals; so teaching to anticipate consequences also teaches respect for the others.

“Not teaching is teaching selfishness”

Then, without learning to think ahead it’s easy to:

-Become selfish and egoist

-Not learning to give love and dedication

-Not being capable of receiving love

-Living confused about what’s really important in life

-Becoming a materialistic being (many times to compensate)

-Risking injury and life, own and others

-Becoming racist and segregationist

And the list can go on and on…

Teaching our children to think before doing or saying something not only is about good manners, have a more fulfilling life and helping them to develop better relationships in their future, but sometimes is also about making sure they will have a future at all.

Raul

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Comments

29 Responses to “Don’t Say Sorry!”
  1. Sara says:

    Raul,

    I agree with you in principle, but have to add that life is messy. People make mistakes. Sometimes the best they can do is to acknowledge the mistake by saying “I am sorry.” How these words are used depends on whether the person actually learns from the mistake.

    For example, I taught my children to never look down when driving, but one day my eldest was driving with friends in her car, reached for something she dropped, and ran into the back of a truck, basically totaling her car.

    When I arrived and saw her alive, as well as her friends, I didn’t think about the fact that she didn’t think before she reached for that phone. I was just glad she was okay.

    She told me again and again how sorry she was. I knew she meant it. She’d made a mistake and one she learned from. She’s been an excellent driver since that time.

    So, yes I agree that we should teach children to think about the consequences of their actions, but we also need to understand that they will make stupid mistakes because they didn’t think. It’s part of growing up and we can help them learn from their mistakes.
    Sara´s last post ..Story Photo- What’s to See

  2. Raul Ojeda says:

    Hi Sara,

    It is funny but after posting this I went for a walk and, while walking and thinking about this, I remembered that I talked about one side but not the other; then found your comment confirming those thoughts.

    We all make mistakes, we are humans, but the point of the post was about being careless and not learning anything from those mistakes. The other side that I forgot to include is the one you mention about your daughter, a mistake that is used as a lesson in order to improve oneself.

    I can imagine how scary must have been to hear your daughter was involved in an accident and all the thoughts that I’m sure were rushing through your head at that moment; then the relief to see her alive and unhurt, so to think “who cares about the car, the important thing is you are alive” So I’m glad to hear no one was hurt in that incident.

    Thank you for bringing up the other, missing part of the thought :)

    Raul
    Raul Ojeda´s last post ..Don’t Say Sorry!

  3. rob white says:

    Hi Raul,
    I like your unique take on “sorry.” The crux of it is that we all have to take 100% responsibility for our lives. I notice the attitude of entitlement creeping into so many minds these days… most people just don’t understand how life works. When we aspire to act from our Authentic nature for the good of all concerned the need for “sorry” dissipates.

    Raul Ojeda Reply:

    Hi Rob,

    Taking 100 % responsibility seems to be the key. Is easy to take things lightly and then fix them with a “sorry”

    As Sara mention in the previous comment, it is not about not making mistakes but learning from them to improve oneself.

    Thanks for stopping by :)
    Raul
    Raul Ojeda´s last post ..Don’t Say Sorry!

  4. YES! There is a lot of “I’m sorry” in this world due to lack of thinking and lack of planning.

    I’m sorry should be reserved for things that are truly accidents, however…

    The other side of the “I’m sorry” issue is the receiver of the sorries. People in our society too often look for the apology when one is not really necessary. If something is an accident, we should realize that and not expect an admission of guilt or an apology. We’d all do well to add a little tolerance in our lives.
    Eric | Eden Journal´s last post ..Upgrade Reality by Dirk “Diggy” de Bruin

    Raul Ojeda Reply:

    Hi Eric,

    Great point! The other side of the “I’m sorry” tolerance. As you point out, not only is accepted to say sorry but it is also expected from the other part, which feeds the whole situation into a continuous cycle.

    Thank for the insight :)

    Raul
    Raul Ojeda´s last post ..Don’t Say Sorry!

  5. Raul,

    Good post,

    I agree with you that sorry is often way overused. There is of course also time for, “sorry” my main problem with overusing the term is that it loses it’s potency. If you are always “sorry” then when you truly screw up it seems like just another vapid word.

    I will say I am sorry, but only when I truly regret my actions and have sorrow for what I have done not just as a brush off to get people out of my way.

    Sorry is an important word and concept it is people that overuse that cause the issue ad that is based on the people.

    Steve
    Steve Scott Site´s last post ..The Secrets to Long-Term Blogging Success Part 14

    Raul Ojeda Reply:

    Hi Steve,

    You make a great point; since we are humans and make mistakes, the word sorry is an important part of our lives, but not to be overused in a careless way, otherwise the power and meaning of it is lost.

    Thank you for stopping by and the comment :)

    Raul
    Raul Ojeda´s last post ..Don’t Say Sorry!

  6. Hi Raul,

    I hear you. When someone does something wrong and then mumbles “sorry”, it’s obvious they’re trying to come clean and expect all to be forgotten or forgiven. Like you, that doesn’t cut it for me either.

    Another “I’m sorry” I hate hearing is when someone does something and they THINK they need to apologize because they want your approval, when in fact, they’re just being themselves and no apology is necessary.
    Barbara Swafford´s last post ..Women vs Men – Who Wins The Word Count Award

    Raul Ojeda Reply:

    Hi Barbara,

    Yes the one you mention, the need for approval, another way to overuse an important word and concept.

    Raul
    Raul Ojeda´s last post ..Don’t Say Sorry!

  7. this is very true
    Arts web show´s last post ..Web show ep 1 ‘cooking up a battle’

  8. Tony Single says:

    Raul, I think you make a very good point here. I think, however, that Sara makes a good point also (which you acknowledged yourself).

    “Sorry” can be a word people overuse whenever they want to escape any negative consequences of their actions… it really should only ever be used if one genuinely MEANS it, that’s for sure. :)

    Raul Ojeda Reply:

    Hi Tony,

    Saying sorry is used too often as a way to avoid self growth.

    Self growth is hard while saying sorry is easy.

    Raul
    Raul Ojeda´s last post ..Don’t Say Sorry!

  9. Lori says:

    Hi Raul,
    It’s interesting to me to read your point of view about saying, “I’m sorry.”

    I absolutely agree with what you’re saying, about thinking about consequences as opposed to a quick recovery by saying sorry.

    I think where I feel the flip side is that I often say, “I’m sorry,” out of empathy. Like when my neighbor’s father died. I said, “I’m sorry,” and I really meant it, deep down. I was sorry for her loss. But, I suppose the meaning of feeling sorry taken from your post as opposed to consoling others by saying “sorry” are really two different things.

    So, I think I’ll zip it now. (ha ha)

    Thanks again for making me think, Raul! ;)
    Lori´s last post ..Front Porch- Dreams- Laughter- and Comic Inspiration

    Raul Ojeda Reply:

    Hi Lori,

    Yes, the post is about those situations when people make a mistake that could be prevented, but instead of taking the work of thinking ahead, they prefer to simply skip that process of self pressure and just do whatever and fix the problem later with a “sorry”

    “I don’t pressure myself with thinking and if something goes wrong I just say sorry and move on”

    The situations you mention are not the same since you didn’t do anything wrong and had no influence at all in those situations, so yeap, it’s a different thing :)

    Raul
    Raul Ojeda´s last post ..Don’t Say Sorry!

  10. Raul,

    I can imagine maybe there are a few people who might miss-use “sorry” word but majority people could be really could be sincere in saying sorry. I think there are more good in people than bad.

    I suppose it could be worse, to do something bad and not say sorry!

    Raul Ojeda Reply:

    Hi Preeti,

    It’s not that people is bad, they are not, most of the times, in the situations I mention, some people act based more in not thinking ahead than bad intentions.

    Thank you for stopping by and contributing your thoughts :)

    Raul
    Raul Ojeda´s last post ..Don’t Say Sorry!

  11. Kelvin Kao says:

    Very interesting view point. Well, the way I think is, words are cheap. Saying sorry is fine, but what’s also important is owning up to the mistake and taking on the consequence. The apology should not just be a mean to avoid the consequences.
    Kelvin Kao´s last post ..Russian Spy Ring Case Likely a Movie Promotion Stunt

    Raul Ojeda Reply:

    Hi Kelvin,

    “Words are cheap” I like that! It reflect an easy way out.

    “The apology should not just be a mean to avoid the consequences” Replace “should not just be” with “is” and you have the idea.

    Thank you Kelvin for your precise comment :)

    Raul
    Raul Ojeda´s last post ..Don’t Say Sorry!

  12. Cath Lawson says:

    Hi Raul – people do make genuine mistakes, but I know what you mean. Some people just barge through life, knocking over anything that gets in their way and they think it doesn’t matter, so long as they sorry.

    When that happens – sorry becomes an excuse, rather than a genuine apology.

    Raul Ojeda Reply:

    Hi cath,

    Most people have no bad intentions at all; is just they didn’t think ahead, and society taught them to say sorry as a way to be nice.

    Raul
    Raul Ojeda´s last post ..Don’t Say Sorry!

  13. Raul: Very interesting topic and you have definitely stimulated a great conversation. I was reading all the comments and am pretty much in line with what everyone has been saying. I do agree that there really needs to be some sincerity when you use sorry and ideally, it would be better to think before you act. I also agree with the thoughts you had after you had written the post and gone on the walk. We all do make mistakes, but what is really important is that we live and learn. Thanks for the great topic. I really enjoyed this conversation.
    Sibyl-alternaview´s last post ..How to Have A Great Day Where Everything Just Clicks

    Raul Ojeda Reply:

    Hi Sibyl,

    I think I’m gonna have to write another post to expand in the thoughts behind this one; clearly I didn’t develop enough in what I was thinking and it seems some people have taken the post in the wrong way.

    The good part is, as you mention, it estimulated conversation and that’s definitely a wonderful thing…comunication! :)

    Raul
    Raul Ojeda´s last post ..Don’t Say Sorry!

  14. Davina says:

    I agree, there are two sides to this. The most important thing here for me is about learning to respect the others — and really, there is an element of respect for yourself, too.

    I can tell a genuine sorry over a fake sorry. I find myself thinking in these cases, “Funny, you don’t look sorry.” In a way, it’s the same with other phrases, such as “I love you.” We say it so often it goes flat.
    Davina´s last post ..Where I’m from is Elementary

    Raul Ojeda Reply:

    Hi Davina,

    You’re right; respect for others implies also respect for oneself.
    Using the word sorry, or the word love, loosely implies being a not very consistent person.

    Thanks for the contribution :)

    Raul
    Raul Ojeda´s last post ..Don’t Say Sorry!

  15. Joy says:

    Raul,
    I agree with all that you’ve expressed.
    I disagree with all of the “excuses” behind I’m sorry though…we should not strive for perfection, but we should acknowledge that yes, even mistakes that teach us, yes carelessness, yes anytime we offend or hurt..*we* take accountability for that. I’m sorry isn’t accountability..I’m sorry is often a cop out..I’m sorry but (insert reason) or I’m sorry and (insert I’ll never do it again)…
    I teach my children to fix their offense from their heart–not to throw money or words at it but to truly fix it..as in I broke your favorite pencil you must feel sad, would you like mine. I hurt your feelings with my words..here are three reasons I love you and spending time with you..etc..I choose to interact with others from my heart centered space so I am teaching my children heart centered healing..
    Sorry is so overused..if I never hear it again I’d be okay…as is I love you..but that would be a different post:)

    Raul Ojeda Reply:

    Hi joy,

    We all make mistakes, we are humans after all, so as you mention, perfection is not the goal.

    When saying sorry is a reflection of a true feeling that comes after honestly trying not to hurt the other person then it is a human thing. When saying sorry comes after not anticipating the possible consequences then we know is just a way out of the created mistake.

    Thank you Joy for contributing your thoughts :)
    Raul
    Raul Ojeda´s last post ..Love as a Drug

  16. I was the scapegoat growing up and with 9 siblings their pointer fingers were always pointing at me when it came to blaming, shaming etc. So as a young adult I over apologized. I was eager to take the blame to be accepted. Then one day my therapist said did it ever occur to you that it’s not your fault? Before that moment I didn’t. Thank God I got into therapy in my 20′s and quit the hideous behavior.

    My daughter is a great mom who has talk my grandkids to write out thank you cards to people. She was relentless with manners and they are both going to be in Scouts until they reach Eagles and The Gold Award. What she has given them will take them far in life. No wonder she’s exhausted!

    Raul Ojeda Reply:

    Hi Tess,

    Thank you for stopping by.

    It is amazing how so many times lots of damage can be made to someone when not thinking of the consequences; I’m glad you didn’t wait too much to get therapy so to fix things before going an entire life not enjoying all that there is.

    I applaud your daughter’s dedication, if more people will take raising their children this seriously, this world and society would definitely be a better place to be. Please tell her that, no matter how exhausted she might feel sometimes, there’s people out there that applaud and admire her dedication :)

    Thanks again for stopping by and commenting :)

    Raul
    Raul Ojeda´s last post ..Short Sleeping

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