Grab my jacket. It’s cold outside. Check the keys in my pocket, the cell phone and wallet and go out of the house. Morning walk; not something I do often, but today I have to get out! I have to leave this empty place!
Still some more minutes for the sun to rise above the horizon and give its shining light that’ll make difficult to see without getting blinded. Still some more minutes of morning light without the sun, so the mist and cold air can be taken as a feeling, as it is within me.
The streets are full with cars going in every direction, people walking in a hurry with their minds somewhere else.
How long it’s been? How many years? How many attempts to find the right one? How many encounters and short friendships that end up in diluted communication that finally die to never again hear from each other? I take a deep breath of this refreshing cold air.
Winter is approaching and soon snow will be here. My heart is cold! I can feel my tired body walking with no destination in mind. By moments I feel I could cry. Where are you? Why it’s so difficult to find someone, just one! So many people around, I’m walking among them, yet I’m walking alone! I look at their faces, strangers.
Cold air around my head is getting me a frozen face, I can’t smile anymore! A cup of coffee somewhere? Alone? How about a nice chat? Who will seat in front of me so we can see each other’s eyes and smile, and talk and feel warmth inside? I could cry right now!
Change direction, take an empty street, I want to be alone. I am alone! I want to have the freedom of letting some tears go out without other people looking at me. It’s difficult to breath, my chest and throat are tight, I can’t swallow without pain. I try to breath to relax but can’t. I reduce the pace of my walking to a stop, concentrate in breathing, look around, no one…I cry! My legs are weak, my body trembles, look down, look up, breath deep, close my eyes, relax. I start walking again. I head for home.
Home? It’ll be home if you were there; a place to go back everyday to find your smile, your arms, your company. This is not home, this is just my place; a big box where I can keep my stuff.
Where are you? Will I meet you someday? Will be you in the next encounter? Is there someone out there for me? Will I be alone forever? I’ll keep looking, what else can I do?